A humorous,

illustrated

recipe

Buy the print!

Babushka Grannies' Battle of the Borscht

Throughout time, the hands of babushka grannies have been stained red from the battle of the borscht. The Russians cry for meat. The Ukrainians demand tomatoes. The Americans always scream for sour cream. The global borscht rifts have been growing for a thousand and one years. The one thing that unites all versions is the humble red beet. Open your heart to a world of possibilities and help create a borderless planet of peace and harmony for the great borscht.

12 slices bacon, chopped

1 red onion, roughly chopped

1 bottle dark beer

5 beets, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch dice

15 lil’ fingerling potatoes (or small new potatoes)

1 red cabbage, cut into 1-inch chunks

4 cups beef stock

1 small can (14 oz) diced tomatoes

water as needed

zest and juice of 1 lemon

1 bunch fresh dill, roughly chopped

salt and pepper to taste

2 cups sour cream

Get the biggest pot you have. At least a 4-quart capacity.

To render the fat from the bacon, put it in the cold pot with a good splash of cold water. Turn up the heat to medium-high. The water will start to draw out the bacon fat, and when the water evaporates the bacon will be crispy with the melted fat in the pot. Remove the bacon with a slotted spoon, and put it on some paper towel, reserving it as a garnish for later. Drain all but 2 Tbsp of the fat into an old can, not down the drain.

Sauté the onions in the bacon fat on medium-low heat until they become translucent.

Crank the heat all the way up and add the whole bottle of beer. Beat back the foamy uprising with your wooden spoon, and loosen up all the crunchy stuck-on bacon crusties.

RED ALERT! 

No matter how often I eat beets, I am constantly alarmed the next day to discover that I am urinating blood . . . or so it seems. The dye in beets gives your urine a faint red tint and may come as a shock if you are not expecting it.

Now just giver willy-nilly. Pile in the beets, potatoes, and cabbage. Pour in the beef stock and canned tomatoes, and add water until it covers the top of the veggie pile plus 1 inch. Crank the heat until it boils, give it a quick stir, then reduce the heat to medium-low, cover it, and cook for at least 30 minutes. Stir it every couple of minutes, but don’t rough up the potatoes.

Before serving, add the lemon zest and juice, the whack of chopped dill, and salt and pepper to taste.

Slop it in bowls, top with a gloop of sour cream, and garnish with the crispy bacon bits. Grab a slab of bread and butta.